I think when trans people first start perusing transitioning, and contemplating their first steps. We have very different ideas of what is important, or what is possible. I had envisioned HRT giving me large breasts, making me curvy. I honestly did not know what else to expect, or if there was anything else? I expected trouble. From everyone. I figured I’d have to hide out in my house for the rest of my life.

I will outline the steps I took to change my life:

December 1st, 2016, I got SOBER, after being an alcoholic all of my adult life, and in really bad shape the last two years and very sick from repeated attempts to quit on my own. This was ABSOLUTELY the most important step in my transition, and made me healthy and strong enough to do what I needed to do.

February 2018, I filed a petition to change my name to Hyacinth Jean Landry. This afforded me dignity in my dealings with other people, in business, at the bank, etc. My ID, Soial Security, everything matched my name.

May 2021, I finally felt confident enough in my health and sobriety to approach my doctor about HRT, and to have her sign the form to change the gender on my drivers license. I really had no idea what to expect. I was thinking it would be a long, slow process and my body would just change a little bit. I had NO IDEA that I was basically born with a female brain. I don’t mean that I thought or felt like a female so much, as a very concrete, medical fact that I had mostly estradiol/estrogen receptors. (technically my brain was not converting testosterone to estradiol)

… I was missing an essential neurotransmitter, and had been suffering post-menopause-like symptoms all my adult life. Low energy, extreme depression, anxiety, lack of concentration. LITERALLY the next day, it was like my brain just started working. I felt amazing, really clear headed, happy! I was happy! I had no idea!
At first, I thought it was just a temporary euphoria, because I achieved a goal, or was just stoned or something. But here I am 3 years later. I have ups and downs like everyone else, but I am just immensely happier and so much more higher functioning, compared to before. And it is consistent!

As important as all that is. One of the most important things. I had never been able to hold down a job in my life, and was absolutely terrified to try again. But, in 2022 I applied for my first job in ages. At Walmart. The plan was to just stick it out through the holiday season, and I 100% expected to bomb out. I didn’t. The most amazing discovery about myself, is I am a VERY VERY hard worker, and I enjoy it! I am no longer afraid of people. I LOVE interacting with customers!

My job is really really physically demanding, and it is very difficult for me and in so much pain sometimes. But this job has made me feel like a REAL PERSON! My co-workers are wonderful. I feel like I am really valued and respected, and considered kind of a solid team member. I have NEVER had that in my life, or ever felt like I was as good as anyone else.

I work with STRONG, amazing women who are an inspiration to me every day, and helping me figure out the kind of woman I want to be, when and if I ever grow up.

Otherwise, the job is a pretty stupid job, by most people’s accounts. I have really senior level IT, network and programming skills.. and here I am stocking shampoo bottles on 3rd shift. But the experience has really meant the world to me. I am surrounded by really good, decent people. And I actually love and care about the people around me. That is pretty priceless, and I owe that job A LOT!

None of the nightmares like discrimination, harassment, people being mean to me… none of that every really happened. Everyone tells you they will murder you the second you set foot outside. But the most amazing surprise is just now nice, decent and accepting most people are. Even my customers at work. For some reason they ignore my co-workers and always come to me to help them find stuff, and are super nice to me.

So in reflection, those are the absolute most important things to me. These are the things that make me a woman, and grateful every day for my life. Not my body shape, not my voice, not my wardrobe or makeup.

As for the boobs, getting curvy. None of that stuff happened as I had originally hoped. I turned out completely different. But you know what? This is the first time in my life that I love my body, just the way it is. I feel beautiful, and this is what the healthy 55 year old me would have looked like naturally, if I had not been born just a plain girl. I’ll take it! 🙂